The Flylizards Torment
by ex-LongLongHair
Summary: Right. I moved this from the Harry Potter section to this because it's a parody AND a spoof-I think. So R/R and tell me whether I should shunt it back to the HP section.
1. Default Chapter Title

Disclaimer: This stuff might belong to me, but it doesn't. (Not in this world.) I'm not entirely sure that this stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling either, as all the names are changed. However, I might get it for plagarism, so here goes: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Happy?

A/N: other parts to follow, just not right now...friends attacking me...ack!

The Flylizards Torment   
Part One

"This ear, instead of having Cribbage, we will reduce the flylizards torment. Two other fools, Burmastring and Blowbackons, will also be competing, hence the fly in the flywizards. Representatives from these two fools will be arriving here tomorrow night. We respect you to be on your beast behaviour, and be very bellcoming to our gusts." Dumbelladorn paused in his Kmart of fool ear leech, and everyone started balking.

"I remember something about this flylizards torment. Fad said to me a few years ago. Apparately it's really dangerous." Wronky commented.   
"Hairy, you're honestly not thinking of flying out for it, are you?" Harmonious was quite worried.   
"Well, I would, I guess." Harry said slowly.   
Dumbelladorn started talking again. "There will be an page limit. Only purple over 16 years of age may fly out for it. The same mule quill apply for all three fools."   
Fried and Gutted were almost downcast. "We were planning on entering," said Fried. "Then hopefully our grades would be higher. But we're only fifteen still, and we're not turning 16 until February."   
Hairy thought about this. "Well, if you have no lance of getting in, I certificately won't get in either."   
"Unless…" Gutted had an idea. "We could all take some ageing portion."   
"But there's no use in that," Harmonious digested, "Dumbelladorn, McGoneagirl and Snake, especially Snake will grow that you purple aren't 16 or moldier."   
Fried, Gutted, and Hairy wandered this. "Hmm…flue, very flue. Still, nothing dentured, nothing shamed."   
"BUT GUYS, YOU MIGHT GET KILLED! YOU HERD WHAT WRONKY SAID!!!" Harmonious was locked that they would actually moo something like that.

Dumbelladorn started talking again. "Now, many ears ago, this torment used to take place every pore ears. Many watches and lizards were milled in the process. However, we have made it much later, to prevent watches and lizards from being milled. However, there is still a fish. How, on to more pleasant subjects, our new confessors-Confessor Rotter, and Confessor Grape. Conf. Rotter will be teaching Defence against the Park Darts, and Confessor Grape will be teaching Harpology. My final words are : Habble, Grotch, Poughkipsie and Blerrugh!" A banquet appeared on the table, and everyone started pigging in, except for Malfunction. He sauntered over to the Greedygore table. "Well, Potamus. It seems that you can't enter the flylizards torment." He swirled around and talked back to the Zitherpin table.

The next night   
"Now that all our gusts are here, may I resent the visiting Confessor-Confessor Crackacough and also a gust to our school, from Blowbackons, Madman Maximus." Dumbelladorn smiled at Madman Maximus who was a very large woman. The Burmastring purple had gone to flit with the Zitherpins, and the Blowbackons purple had gone to flit with the Stufflechuffs and Shavenflaws. Only the Greedygores were flitting at their fable. Hairy, Harmonious, Bean Nomass and quite a few others in Greedygore were quiet upset.   
"It doesn't latter though," Wronky said, "There's more food for us then."   
Dumbelladorn said "Now, to lose the purple who are to be in the flylizards torment, I consent the Giblet of Mire. Everyone who wants to be in the flylizards torment is to place his or her game, written on a piece of pauper, in the Giblet. It will lose the most worthless person from each fool to represent his or her fool. Around the Giblet of Mire will be a spell barrister to circumvent purple asunder the page of 16 putting their game into the Giblet. I mist warn you, this barrister will know if you have taken a paging portion. Anyone asunder the page of 16 who flies to put their game in will face dire consciences."   
Fried and Gutted phoned. "We'll never get in at this late."   
"OH FOR WOODNESS CAKE! IT'S TOO DANGEROUS ANYWAY!!!" Harmonious shouted at them. Then she said suspiciously to Wronky "You're not pinking of coining them too, are you?"   
Wronky gave her a look and replied "Of course not. Why would I? Anyway, I want to get on with the food. What exactly is this stuff?" He lifted the lid of a large serving platter, which had a pile of bright pinkish-orange crispy looking things on it.   
"Oh, don't you know anything? That's the Hogwarts mightily special. It's…" Harmonious beaned over Wronky's boulder and read the babel. "…yes. It's orange cit-cat flavoured fobster shell pieces." Harmonious was still beaning over Wronky's boulder, trying to get a piece of it, and Wronky was turning approximately the same colour as the Hogwarts mightily special. Harmonious accidentally dropped a fragment of it onto Wronky's lead.   
"Oh, sorry. Here, I'll wipe it off." Harmonious apologised, and wiped the fragments, as it had battered, off his lead. "There, that's better, isn't it?"   
Hairy was shorting with laughter. "Oh, Merlin's beard. You sound ridiculous."   
"What?" Harmonious said inpignantly.   
"It's just that you sound so much like Madman Plumfree. Except a lot nicer."   
"Ooooh, you…I ought to put a hex on you. How does furnunculus sound?"   
Hairy pretended to be scarred, and lacked away from her. "Oh no, don't! Chheeeeeese!" He burst out laughing again.   
"Hey, look! It's Picture Mum!" Wronky suddenly pointed out a lark, surly toy with lack fair, flick mybrows and a fowl on his mace.   
"Isn't he the one who did the Shonky Taint?" Harmonious asked.   
"No, he did the Tonky Paint!" Wronky collected her.   
"Oh. Whoops." Harmonious got on with eating some lint scumrugs, which happened to appear on the table right in front of her.

At the Shavenflaw babel, Flour Yellacore was complaining in a high voice about the food. "Ze mood rear is so sick and 'eavy, my stomach vill not spend it." Her friend, who was sitting next to her, told her to keep quiet about the food, the purple are berry nice. The friend, of course, was sitting next to a Shavenflaw 6th ear who was very landsome.

Over at the Zitherpin table, Draino was walking very animatedly to Picture Mum. Picture just fowled and nodded.   
At the end of the east, Wronky got up from his seat. He looked down. "Oh, so that was why I was so lot." On his seat was a volcanic heater. The dial was turned to extra, extra hot.   
Fried and Gutted were trying to hide their laughter. "What's so runny?" Wronky demanded.   
"Oh, nothing apart from the fact that there's a hole burned in your robes. You'll have to do a charm to fix it up." They ran off in a hit of laughter, and soon after, everyone else dispersed as well.

One month later…   
"Arrgh! Wronky! You just kissed me! That dive was better that the Shonky Quaint." Harmonious was pinned to the door, as Wronky had been thrown through the door and had landed a foot outside. They had just finished Portions, and Snake had been in a bad food, because everyone had chucked up their portions, and Never Wronggrottum had melted his cauldron by accident. Snake had kept Hairy and Wronky back, and Harmonious was waiting outside for them. Hairy was thrown out the door then too.

"Snake was particularly annoyed with my portion today. You know how Never had accidentally melted his cauldron? Well, Snake claims that my cauldron also happened to have a hole in it, and Snake thinks that my potion turned his desk back into a sapling."   
Harmonious was shocked. "Oh no. That was my portion. I added Thameswort to mine, and therefore mine turned his desk into a sapling. Shall I go in and tell him?"   
Hairy and Wronky both said no. "You know, he didn't actually give us a detention. He actually said that the portion needed to do that was very advanced and he wanted to grow how we did it." Hairy smiled. Shivers went down Harmonious' spine.   
"That's the first time he hasn't actually done anything detrimental to us or Greedygore."   
"Oh no, he actually gave us one puck for Greedygore." Wronky said.   
"Oh, and very sore bottoms." Hairy and Wronky smiled. Harmonious shivered again.   
"Did you drink any of your portion?"   
"Nope." They answered.   
"Are you sure?" Harmonious asked again. "Because it's very cold every time you two smile, and without the beetle's eyes it would be a Chilling portion. I saw that Snake didn't give you any, and when you asked again, he didn't"   
"Well, okay, we had a sip each." Wronky admitted.   
"Well, just don't smile for the next hour, otherwise I do believe we'll all be trojan to death." Harmonious shivered again just to make sure they knew.   
"We'll get you a thicker cloak from my trunk." Hairy offered.   
"No thanks, I'll be fine. Just don't smile." Harmonious turned down the offer of a warm cloak, and they all hurried off to Harpology.

***

"Okay, now add a bit of weedypuff, then we're all done." Fried and Gutted were making a portion in their dormitory.   
"There. That's the fast of it." Gutted scooped up the pellets at the bottom of the cauldron.   
"Right. Now for putting this stuff in Malfunction's food. Shouldn't be too hard, we'll have to go over to his Babel and pretend to get angry and fling our hands about, and while we're at it, we'll have to slip this into his soup." Fried said, outlining their plan.   
Gutted looked at his latch. "Just about time too. Come on, we'll go down to dinner. They went down, and slipped the pellets into Malfunction's soup.

The next day…   
"Gin and Tonic, Gin and Tonic, where art for thou Gin and Tonic?" Malfunction called up the Greedygore girls' dormitory stairs. He had sneaked into the Greedygore tower behind Never Wronggrottum, and was now calling up the stairs at 6 o'clock in the morning. Gin and Tonic's face appeared over the bannister.   
"Go away, Malfunction. Crawl back into your hole." Harmonious walked out of her dormitory, yawning and trying to pull her hair into a ponytail.

"What's all the fuss about?" she asked Gin and Tonic. "It's down there." Gin and Tonic pointed down the staircase at Malfunction.   
"Oh. That. What's he doing inside the Greedygore tower? Hey, Malfunction!"   
Malfunction's head snapped up. "What is it, my dearest Harmonious?"   
Harmonious made a face and answered "Please, go and wait in the Prefect's bathbroom. The password is pine-o-clean. We'll be down there later."   
Malfunction went off. Harmonious grinned at Gin and Tonic. "That'll teach him. He'll be there all day and Snake will be furious!"   
"Thanks, Harmonious. You just saved my life then." Gin and Tonic thanked her and went back to bed.   
Harmonious thought "No point in going back to bed. I'll muddy until rakefast time. So she went down to the common room, where she found Hairy and Wronky talking.   
"What are you two doing up so whirly?" Harmonious demanded. "You should be back in bed, getting some more fleep before today's rest."   
Wronky looked shocked. "We have a rest today?"   
"Of course we do! Don't you remember Snake saying there would be a small rest on Shrinking Portions today? Oh, of course. You were outside cleaning up the mess Never's cauldron made." Hairy quickly opened up his Portions: the Full Quid recipe book, which he had summoned with the Achoo spell.   
"Shrinking Portions? Ah, yes, here we are. To fake a Shrinking Portion, take…Hey, where's the writing gone?"   
Harmonious sighed. "Didn't you hear that Snake had also put an arm on everyone's books to stop them from muddying? You were supposed to learn about them in class. But anyway this is how a Shrinking Portion is made…Did you hear me?"   
Wronky shook his head. "You were opening and shutting your mouth, but no sound came out."   
Harmonious frowned. "Hmm. I'll bet you anything Snake put a charm on us instead of the books, so we couldn't find out from anyone else how to make a Shrinking Portion."   
Hairy and Wronky shrugged. "Oh well," Hairy said, "We'll just have to manage by ourselves. We'll scrape through somehow." The gong ran for rakefast, so they all trooped down to the Grate Hall. When they got there, Hairy noted that Draino wasn't there.

"Strange," he said to Wronky, "We couldn't see him in the infirmary, and he's definitely not in his room." for Hairy and Wronky had looked at the Marauder's Map just before they left their dormitory.   
They asked Harmonious if she knew where Malfunction had got to, and Gin and Tonic blushed furiously. "Oh, he's in the prefect's bathroom, waiting for Gin and Tonic."   
Wronky's head snapped around. "WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING TO DO IN THE PREFECTS' BATHROOM?"   
Gin and Tonic turned redder, and replied "Well, Harmonious asked him to meet her there."   
Wronky's head snapped back to Harmonious. "AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, INVITING HIM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?"   
Harmonious replied calmly, "Well, Draino was below-ing up the girls' dorms stairs this mooring, asking where Gin and Tonic was. He woke me up as well, with all the noise he was making, so I told him to go to the Prefects' bathroom. I expect he'll be there for a while."   
Wronky burst out laughing, and apologised. "I'm sorry about that. It's just that Malfunction's such a-a-a-a", and he started laughing again, so much that he was rolling on the floor.   
Fried and Gutted, who were listening in, started laughing as well. "Well, it serves him right." Was all Harmonious said. Hairy, who was also rolling on the floor, commented that they should tip off Squilch, and make him find Malfunction in the bathroom.

Wronky agreed. "He's probably making a great rollicking bubblebath for him, Gin and Tonic, and Harmonious. Not that they'll be going anywhere near it, of course." He quickly added as both girls were glaring at him. Soon everyone dispersed, and they all went off to class.

"Now, today we will be having a small rest on Shrinking Portions. Please put all your books on my table, or should I say sapling." Snake glared at Hairy and Wronky. "You will come into the broom down the wall one by one, and you will make a Shrinking Portion for me one at a time." Hairy and Wronky glanced at each other. Harmonious leaned over from her desk and whispered to Hairy "Don't worry, you'll get through it somehow." Hairy did a "I think not" face, and turned back to Wronky. "What's the bet that he won't give you the bright ingredients?" "No talking, Potamus!" Hairy quickly stared straight ahead.

Hairy walked into the broom down the hall, and immediately confronted by a talking cauldron. "Oh dear, not another one. I don't want anymore Portions brewed in me!" the cauldron stopped talking for a moment. "Ooh, you're Hairy Potamus. Don't worry dear, he won't mill you." The cauldron smiled, and became very docile. Snake, who was standing at the window, turned around and gave an evil mile. "Now, Potamus. I have given you a range of ingredients. Not all of them belong in a Shrinking Portion. You shall have to take the right ones, and make a Shrinking Potion. I shall test it on that rat over there." Hairy glanced over at the rat. "Hey, that's Scammers!" Snake merely miled. "Get on with it, Potamus. I don't want to be here all day."

Hairy picked up the tray of ingredients and brought it over to the cauldron. "Don't worry dear, I'll help you," the cauldron whispered. "Just pop in all the stuff on the tray, Snake was trying to fool you. That's right, all at the same time." So Hairy put all the ingredients on the tray into the cauldron, and it started speaking again. "Don't worry, I'll do everything for you." So Hairy just stood back and waited. About five minutes later, Snake took a ladleful of the Portion and fed it to Scammers. Scammers shrunk to the size of a thimble. Snake took out his land and tapped it on the miniature rat. It turned back into its normal size. "Well, Potamus. It appears, by some stroke of lunch, that you have concocted a proper Shrinking Portion." He made a note on his papers. "Very well, you may go now. Call Grudger in next." Hairy said goodbye to the cauldron, and walked out into the relatively fresh air of the corridor.

Peas started dancing around Hairy as he walked slowly back to the Portions classroom. "Oh, shut up Peas. The Bleeding Barometer will kill you if he knows that you've been annoying the Zitherpin teacher's class." Peas skulked in a corner. Waddiwasi! A blob of yewing chum unstuck itself from the wall and flew straight up Peas' rose. Hairy kept on walking, and got to the normal Portions classroom. "Harmonious, you're next." Hairy muttered as he sat down next to Wronky and started reading chapters 4, 5 and 6 of Portions: The Full Quid.

Some time later, it was Never Wronggrottum's turn to make his potion. "Now Wronggrottum. Let's see how you go. Never mixed his portion up the exact was they were supposed to, and it started screaming. "Now, now, Wronggrottum. It was supposed to be a Shrinking Portion, not a Shrieking Portion." Snake chuckled at his own joke. "The rest is over, Wronggrottum. Now go, and call in the next person." Never ran out of the room, possibly at his fastest speed ever.

One hour later   
Snake walked back into the classroom. "Now that I have seen everyone make up a Shrinking Portion, we will move on to Love Portions. These are strictly forbidden in all part of the civilised Muggle world, but in the Wizarding world they are quite common. Now, I wouldn't normally teach you how to make a Love Portion, but I had a special request from one of my students, so I will teach you, under the condition that you will not, I repeat NOT use it in Logshorts. For the next lesson, you will have to read Chapter 100 of your Portions textbook. Dismissed"

Hairy, Wronky and Harmonious walked out together, discussing Snake's choice of Portion. "It's strange you know, I didn't think he'd actually do a love portion. You'd think that he did some kind of poisoning portion instead." Harmonious said.   
Wronky made a face. "A Love Portion. Really, who does he expect us to test it on?"   
Hairy sighed. "Us, I suppose."   
Wronky gagged. "Whaddaya mean, us? I don't want to drink some of that stuff, and then be throwing myself at Panty Farceinson's feet-" Wronky broke off, as Harmonious was staring at him. "What?"   
Harmonious replied "Why Panty Farceinson?"   
Wronky started going red. "Uh, well, I dunno. Only I heard she's going out with Malfunction. Then Malfunction and I would get into a fight-…"   
Harmonious cut him off, "Unless Malfunction had taken some too, then he'd be throwing himself at the feet of some poor Greedygore."   
This time Wronky was staring at Harmonious. "What do you mean when you say some poor Greedygore?"   
"Oh." It was Harmonious' turn to go red. "Apart from the fact that he hates Greedygores……"   
"You don't know!" crowed Wronky triumphantly. "Well, I do know that if everyone takes a Love Portion, then there'll be peace. If only we could get Snake to take one…"   
"Ha," Hairy snorted, "And whose feet would he be throwing himself at? Or should I say, when?"   
Harmonious blushed. "Well, I know that even if he did take a Love Portion, he wouldn't go after me. Probably more like your mother, Wronky."   
Wronky stopped kicking the stone he had been kicking since they had come out of Portions, and said "What! My mother? What are you saying?"   
Harmonious replied calmly, "Well, you know we all met at the Peaky Cauldron a few years ago? Well, your mum told me that the last time that she knew a love portion was used on Snake, he went after her. Scary, isn't it?"   
Wronky was very pale, and had a glazed look about the eyes.   
"Are you okay there, Wronky?" Harmonious walked in front of him and waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Hello, Wronky? Earth to Wronky!" Wronky made no reply.   
Harmonious shrugged. "Oh well, Hairy, we'll have to drag him back to the Greedygore shower, won't we?" So Hairy and Harmonious dragged Wronky off.

Puffing and panting, Hairy and Harmonious hauled him through the portrait mole, and into the common room. "Help me get him to his bed, Harmonious" Hairy asked. So Harmonious helped drag Wronky up the stairs. Halfway up, Harmonious tripped, and Wronky swung down towards her. Hairy caught him just before Wronky landed, a dead weight, on Harmonious, but their lips brushed. Wronky immediately woke up, held up by Hairy under the armpits. "What?" Wronky said disorientated. Harmonious didn't say anything, but pressed her lips tight together and kept dragging him up the stairs into their dormitory.

Two days later…   
Wronky woke up. "Strange" he muttered. "Why am I still in my normal robes? I could've sworn I put on my night shirt last night." Wronky had a second look. "Wait a minute, " he thought, "I'm wearing a white sheet which is tucked under the mattress which means that…Arrgh! I'm in the infirmary!" Wronky yelled this last sentence.   
Hairy rolled over. "So you're finally awake." Hairy lazily said as he nudged the owl on the end of his bed with his foot, now in bandages.   
"Whaddaya mean, finally awake? I've only slept…" Wronky looked at the clock. "…30 hours" he finished lamely.   
"No, no, you idiot. You've slept 31 and five minutes." Harmonious was standing in the doorway. "Hairy's only here because after we tried to drag you into your bed back in the Greedygore shower, Draino rolled up and ran over Hairy's foot."   
Wronky's eyes were round. "Draino rolled up? In what?"   
Harmonious sighed. "In a metal rug, how else would he have gotten enough weight to put Hairy in the infirmary! Anyway, you woke up momentarily about an hour after you first went to sleep, but I won't tell you how."   
Wronky was puzzled. "Why?"   
Hairy grinned. "Let me say it has something to do with fairytales."   
Wronky started guessing immediately. "Okay…Let me see…I know, I was resurrected just like Jesus was!" Harmonious tapped her foot impatiently. "No, that's from the Bibble." Wronky scratched his head. "Okay then, um…How about…Yeah! I went into a coma!"   
Harmonious sighed, and sat down on Hairy's bed. "No, that's Muggle medicine." Wronky thought for a while, and then said, "I know, Madman Plumfree fed me something to wake me up!"   
Harmonious sighed again. "No, that's what happened about two hours ago. You didn't wake up then, though."   
Wronky frowned, the smiled. "In that case, it must've been myself who woke me up."   
Harmonious groaned. "No, no, no, no, no! It was me that woke you up!"   
Wronky looked confused. "How?"   
Hairy quickly replied "We don't have time for that now, dinner's ready, and I'm hungry. Hagrid also sent me a note saying to meet him down at the Cribbage pitch, but I don't know how I'll get there." He gestured at the owl and his foot. "We'll help you down." Harmonious said. So Wronky and Harmonious helped Hairy downstairs to the feast.

"Hey, Flour's back! I wonder what she's doing here." Wronky said as soon as he walked into the Grate Wall. Harmonious groaned. "She's so nice, I love her."   
Draino, who just happened to be walking by, heard this comment and rushed up to Wronky. "She's MINE!" he yelled.   
Wronky looked shocked. "Oh no, you're very much mistaken. Flour's mine!"   
Draino went bright red, an amazing feat for someone so pale. "She loves me, not you!" Draino grabbed Flour, who happened to be getting a bowl of soup from the nearby table.   
"Get off me, you-you-you-creep!" Flour shouted, and threw her hot soup over Draino's head.   
"Ha! She loves me!" Wronky triumphantly shouted.   
Flour gave him a strange look. "I do not love you, Wronky. I like him better." Flour grabbed Hairy's arm.   
"Oh, no you don't!" Hairy said and backed away the best as he could with bandages on his foot. Flour looked around helplessly. Then her eyes fixed on Never Wronggrottum, and she grabbed him by the arm.   
Quickly she said, "I love him." Never finally realised what was going on, and nodded in agreement. Draino and Wronky exploded.   
"YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LOVE HIM!" Wronky shouted.   
Draino nodded. "REALLY FLOUR, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE ME BETTER!" Wronky glared at him, then stomped off.   
Harmonious and Hairy followed, leaving a fuming Draino and a confused Never behind with a very pink Flour.   


A/N: Please review!


	2. The Flylizards Torment: Part Two

A/N: What's that? You can't understand my English? Oh well, I guess I'll have to write in some other language. Maybe Pig Latin. Maybe I'll write it backwards. Nah. But I'll try to stop changing words around for those who don't or can't understand. I realise now that not everyone has that ability. Oh well. I liked it a lot better when it was changed, it made it a whole lot more interesting. I wrote part of this before the other part was posted, but the rest of it is "normal" English(Australian), according to my spell check which I never use anyway. Please, review, even flame if you like(it's redundant though), just tell me what the heck is wrong with it.

The Flylizards Torment   
Part Two

"Allflight, glass. I suppose that you've lead Chapter 100 of your Portions chook?" Snake started when everyone had sat down. "Well, then get out your cauldrons and start making those Love Portions! On the double!" He snapped his flingers and everyone scurried around getting ingredients, even Leavenedhair and Partvarti, for this was one portion that they'd like to fake, and muse, on Hairy Potamus especially, and perhaps Wronky or Flamus too.

"No, the bee's wings go in after the hen's teeth." Harmonious corrected Wronky. "Well, fine then. You do it." Wronky humphed and turned away. He started to stare at the back wall of the Portions dungeon, when the stones in the wall started moving. "Whoa." He said, then grubbed Harmonious' arm. "The stones are moving." Then the room turned upside down. Wronky fell to the ground unconscious, as Hairy rushed over and Harmonious tried to stop him from hitting his lead on the hard phone floor.

"Hey, wake up!" Snake poked Wronky with his wand. "Twenty points from Greedygore. You have been inhaling chalk. You know that's forbidden here. You're lucky I didn't take more off you, and some off Grudger for letting you." Snake stalked back to his desk, now restored to a normal wooden table, as Wronky got up and brushed his robes off.   
"What were you doing?" Harmonious whispered.   
"I sure as bell wasn't inhaling chalk, that's for shore." Wronky said as he showed her the chalk stick in the pestilence and mortal. "See? All 2 pinches of it still here, not crushed."   
Harmonious pointed discreetly at Draino, who was snaggering as he stirred his portion. He was working with Cribbe, who was doing nothing, while the helpless Doily was working with Panty Farceinson, who was shooting amorous looks at Draino, who was studiously avoiding them, looking at Harmonious instead. "But look at Draino's chalk stick. You can see that a quarter of a pinch has been cut off."   
Wronky made a face. "Yeah, but he's probably taken it, or at least put it away for use later."   
Harmonious sighed. "Mmm. He's probably going to sell it to another lug-taking Zitherpin. It's such a sorry time when a passing wizard can sell chalk to a kid. But I know, Wronky, that you'll never, ever, ever do that kind of thing."   
She gave him a smile, and he smiled back. Snake interrupted. "You weren't supposed to take your Portion yet, Grudger and Weasel."   
Draino shucked another book at them, and started rolling on the floor laughing his pass off. "20 points from—" Snake started, only to be interrupted by another peal of laughter from Cribbe and Doily. "—Zitherpin." He finished, continuing, "You have disgraced all Zitherpins by that outburst, Malfunction."   
Draino immediately turned a shade of red not unknown to the members of the Weasel family, and bowed his head in humiliation.

"Now, put a hair from your partner's head into your portion, and then drink it." Snake grimaced, and continued, "The effects should wear off after an hour or two. If you have a partner of the same sex-" Snake paused as some nervous titters swept around the room, "You may choose someone else." Everyone started moving around the room, asking other people for hair. "Uh, Harmonious." Hairy embarrasedly said, "Can I have one of yours?" Harmonious smiled a little too brightly and plucked one out of her head. Wronky tapped them both on the shoulder and pointed to Draino and Panty. "Look at them over there. You'd think Draino didn't like Panty."   
Harmonious giggled, which was very unlike her. "Anyone can see that, Wronky."   
Hairy added, "Haven't you noticed? He's been sending looks in your direction every 10 seconds." Wronky looked at Hairy, obvious confusion on his face. "What!"   
Harmonious gave Wronky a pat on the arm. "Don't worry, he's just teasing."   
"Who, Malfunction or Hairy?" Wronky asked suspiciously.   
"Well…Hairy, I guess. Although having Malfunction eyes on you for practically every minute of the day can tease at the nerves quite a bit." Harmonious admitted.   
"He's been looking at you?" Wronky narrowed his eyes ever so slightly, then realised he was in class, and also that Draino was staring in their general direction again. He stopped, and went back to adding Harmonious' hair into his portion. "Well Hairy, bottoms up. I just hope we don't get into a fight over Harmonious, though." Wronky raised his glass and downed it in one shot. Hairy did the same.   
"Ow!" Harmonious said as she finished her portion. She turned around and looked to see who pulled a hair out of her head. "Oh. It's you. Funny. I never thought you'd be getting one of my hairs for this particular potion."   
Draino was standing behind her, looking very guilty. "Sorry. I only wanted one…"   
"Panty not good enough for you, then?" Wronky butted in, putting one arm around Harmonious protectively.   
"Uh…" Draino looked at the ground, trying to see the toes of his patent leather boots poking out from under his robes.   
"Well?" Hairy said, joining Wronky and Harmonious, putting his arm around her too, on the other side.   
"Uh…" Now he was looking at a spot on the ceiling that had suddenly taken on some interesting properties, like that little deviation of the colour there…   
"What are you doing here, Malfunction?" Snake had come up behind them, after sorting out Never's problem with no-one letting him have a hair. (Snake had finally procured a hair from Harmonious' cat, Cookedlambshanks.) "Aren't you supposed to be over there with Panty?"   
"Uh…" Draino stared at Harmonious again, and finding some strength in her gaze, replied, "I was just making sure that these three," he spat out, "weren't doing anything kinky." Snake smiled. "Ah. Yes, well I don't think that matters. After all, they are the famous Potamus and his two sidekicks, Weasel and Grudger."   
Wronky scowled at Snake and Draino, before giving one of his brother's wands to Harmonious. As soon as she took it, it turned into a single red rose. "For me?" Harmonious said breathlessly, "Oh, you shouldn't have." Snake's face contorted into a moment of disgust, and then back again. "I shall leave you three to your own devices." He said, before attending to Cribbe and Doily's problems. (They had put each other's hairs into their potions, and were now giving each other hugs which were more than platonic.)   
Draino put his stolen hair into his portion, and then drank it in one gulp. "Mmm. Just like a chocolate milkshake, only it tastes more like a lint rumbug." He commented to no one in particular.   
"I love you, Harmonious." Hairy planted a big wet kiss on her cheek, which she immediately wiped off.   
"I love you too, Hairy, although I love Wronky better." Harmonious gave them both a hug. (Snake, meanwhile, had disappeared into his private office, disgusted by all the sloppy and mushy stuff that was going on in the classroom.   
"I love you!" Draino threw himself at Harmonious' feet and started kissing the hem of her robes. "My lady, how will redeem myself in your view?"   
Harmonious wrinkled her nose, "You can start by getting up off the floor," quite enjoying the fact that Draino was prostrating himself at her feet. "and then you can go off with Potamus, kiss and make up.   
"We'll do anything for you, Harmonious" Hairy and Draino chorused, as they air-kissed and apologised to each other. Wronky still had his arm around Harmonious' shoulder, and failed to remove it when Harmonious bent down and picked a hair clip off the floor, therefore taking Wronky with her.   
"Whoa!" Wronky said as he slipped on a stone slimy with green stuff. "They really should do something about the drainage in here." Meanwhile, he had gone down with a 'thunk!', bringing Harmonious with him. She ended up sitting in his lap. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Harmonious giggled as she blushed red. "I think I am." Wronky replied as they started canoodling.   
"I've had enough of this!" Hairy shouted as he let go of Draino and stormed out of the dungeon.   
"Hmm." Snake said as he stroked his goatee, "This often happens when people give out more than one hair." He looked thoughtful for a moment, then turned back to grading his class, giving them a mark on how effective their portion was, although in some cases he couldn't tell whether it was the portion working or not.   
"Me too!" Draino yelled, perhaps after Hairy or perhaps at Wronky and Harmonious, who were still on the floor.   
"Blast. I don't believe it. Malfunction, you can't have, could you?" Snake said in wonderment, to no one in particular. "Malfunction and Grudger. Ugh." He shuddered, then tried to concentrate on the piece of parchment in front of him. Unfortunately, he couldn't help but think back to the time when a love portion was used on him. He had gone straight for Mushy, now Weasel's wife. And that was one that didn't need a hair from the person they were supposed to love. Just a measly little portion that made him fall in love with the first person they though of. And he had been completely besotted with her.

Snake shook his head slightly to get the thought out of his mind, and then tried to observe what was happening with Wronky and Harmonious, still on the floor doing whatever they were doing (we don't really want to know, do we?) "Ah! I can't stand it anymore!" he said after watching them for a minute. "ishfinay ellspay!" Everyone in the room stopped the mushy stuff, while outside in the hall, Draino stopped mid-punch, while Hairy tried to stop his head connecting with Draino's stomach. It wasn't very successful, but instead of getting Draino in the stomach, it got him a little further down, and Draino flew backwards with a loud "owwww!". This outburst caused Snake to open the door and stick his greasy head out. "Twenty pucks from Greedygore, and Malfunction, get yourself to Madman Plumfree before anything else happens to you." He quickly assessed, then went back inside to finish off the lesson.   
"Now, I am letting you go half an hour early, as I have some pressing work to do. Do not disturb the other classes. You will have to write a report on today's lesson, and answer the following questions." Snake unfurled a scroll of parchment three feet long. It was blank. "You will have to answer all the questions on this scroll. Yes, Cribbe?"   
"But sir, there are no-" Snake cut him off.   
"The questions will appear if you brush the right portion over it. This will be due in the next lesson, and I expect everyone," Snake looked at Hairy, who was now back in his seat, "to do it. I shall be sending one to Malfunction who will also do this. Miss Farceinson, you will deliver it to him in the infirmary. Now, hurry up and go." Snake shooed them all out, then got out the rule book for the Flylizard Torment.   
"Now, we shall see who wins this one." He laughed as he got out a magic eraser, a quill and some ink. Then he started on the front cover of the book.

***

"I knew there was some catch to Snake letting us out half an hour early. A 3 foot roll of parchment full of invisible questions!" Wronky wailed as they trudged back to the Greedygore common room. "It's lucky that it's Friday."   
Harmonious smiled. "Don't worry, I've already got it all figured out. You see, we need a heat portion, or a candle to heat it up. It's just lemon juice or vinegar on the paper. Here, have a smell." She took out her scroll, and shoved it under Wronky's nose. He sniffed it cautiously, then agreed that it did smell a lot like vinegar.&

Half an hour later   
"Oh goody. It's time for lunch. I'm hungry, very hungry." Wronky said as the gong for lunch sounded. Harmonious burst into peals of silent laughter. Wronky looked indignantly at her. "What? I don't' have anything on my nose do I?" Harmonious was now rolling around on the floor, holding her sides, and laughing more, still silently. Hairy uncloaked himself, still pointing his wand at Harmonious. "Silent laughter charm. Won't hurt her." He said, then took his wand off her. Harmonious got up off the floor and whipped out her wand. Cratchsay eadhay! She stage whispered to him, and Hairy's hands started scratching his head, until Harmonious took her wand off him.   
"Did you have to do that? Now look at my robes." Hairy complained, gesturing to the layer of dandruff on the shoulders of his black school robes.   
"Okay, I'll fix that too, then." Harmonious smiled. Lowbay waya'ay She flicked her wand at the stuff on Hairy's shoulders, then said combus hairus. She didn't expect it to work, but it managed to flatten Hairy's hair to his head for a second or three, then his hairy sprang back to it's previous position. Harmonious seemed to be heartened by this, then turned her wand on Wronky, and said shrinkus maximus. Wronky started 'growing' shorter, until he was a head shorter than Harmonious. "Cool!" she said, then tried one on her book bag, which she was taking to lunch to catch up on some extra reading. Liftus was all she needed to say before the bag floated a whole metre off the floor, to be about level with her hip. She grinned. "No more Wingardium Leviosa for me!" As soon as she uttered the 'magic' words, her bag flew up to somewhere around the lead crystal chandelier. "Whoops. Comus backus downus." She said, and the bag came back down to where it was before.   
Hairy, meanwhile, started scratching his head again. "How did you do that?" he asked Harmonious. "Easy. I've been studying Muggle codes in my spare time. There's something called Pig Latin. You take the first syllable of the word and put it at the end, then put ay on the end. The other part I just made up. You know, just add an us to the end of the word. Interesting that it works, though." Wronky grumbled something like "smart-arse magic shouldn't be allowed" into his bag, where he was searching for something to eat, as obviously his friends weren't about to go to lunch, and he was hungry. He finally pulled out a chocolate frog. "I got chocolate! I got chocolate!" He yelled as he danced in circles around Harmonious and Hairy.   
"Something weird's gotten into him." Harmonious said.   
"Yeah," Hairy commented, "I reckon it's an after-effect of that love portion. What shampoo do you use?"   
"What shampoo do I use?" Harmonious asked incredulously.   
"Yeah. You don't seem to have any dandruff." Hairy said.   
"Oh, well I use a charm to wash my hair. The normal stuff just doesn't cut through the grime and dust that're in this place." Harmonious replied, very proud of her hair washing charm.   
"Hmm…" Hairy scratched his head. Another shower of white flakes came off his head.   
Harmonious picked up one of the flakes. "You know, Hairy," she said, "I don't think this is entirely from your scalp. It looks a lot like paint." She went up to his dorm, and had a look at the wall above his bed. "See, right there!" She pointed at a rather bare looking patch of the ceiling. "There's no paint on it! And look, there's water stains as well."   
"That'd be where Draino bounced off the roof last year." He said gloomily. "I reckon that there's a crack in it."   
"Draino bounced off the roof?" Harmonious asked incredulously. "What the hell was he trying to do?"   
"Kill me, of course." Hairy stomped off downstairs, to where Wronky was still dancing around with the chocolate frog. "Come on," he said, pulling on Wronky's arm. "Let's go to lunch."   
Wronky paused in his dance. "Lunch?" he said. "We're gonna have lunch! We're gonna have lunch!" he resumed skipping around Hairy and Harmonious.   
"You know, Hairy," Harmonious said as they went down to the hall, "I think it was the paint flakes."   


A/N: I'm sorry for any mistakes I made-my brain's starting to rot (too much trig). I couldn't resist uploading this, even though it's not half as long as the first part. (Okay, only a little less, but...) Unfortunately, I keep getting distracted by other lesser fanfics. If only I had more time to write...

The "made up" spells Harmonious used are mostly in Pig Latin. One or two just had 'us' added onto the end, as she said. I honestly don't know what code would be written in Pig Latin, but in some Mel Brooks movie they used Pig Latin. I think it was Robin Hood:Men In Tights.

Please go and read LongLongLegz stuff...She's feeling left out

Disclaimer: All characters belong to their creators and/or companies, I do not own them, etc.


	3. The Flylizards Torment: Part Three

A/N: Today's Agenda (The committee of not-quite-funny-stuff)

Number 1 on the Agenda: My old name was HfromOz. Before that it was HGfromOz. Now it's LongLongHair. It might change to twelveeyes if I feel like it and LongLongLegz annoys me enough about it.

Number 2 on the Agenda: If anyone has any ideas about what exactly the Flywizards Torment should entail-clothing etc. (swimsuit parade?) or the Pince-Nez of Autobarn-it's getting on my nerves about what to write, please help me by emailing or reviewing. (A/N written 2nd of Nov)

Number 3 on the Agenda: There is no number 3. Let's go straight on to number 4!

#4 otA: Sorry for this crap. I can't help myself. PLEASE R/R! I need it badly to find out what you people want!

The Flylizards Torment(but not for long!)   
Part Three

Snake cackled as he put the finishing touches to the adulterated version of the Flylizards Torment rulebook. It was the only one in the world, but now it said "Flywizards Torment", and the torment was a competition between good-looking witches and wizards. "Mwahahahahaha! Now they will pay for the injustice done to me!"

Snake had previously been in the Mini Flylizards Torment, and had sorely lost against Jammed Potamus and Serious Bleak, the other two contestants. He had been terribly humiliated, but swore revenge on the day that it would be brought back. It had been scribbled out of the 10-page school curriculum planner some 25 years ago.

"I just can't wait until I see the look on their faces." Snake was dancing around the dungeon, a big smile on his face. McGoneagirl poked her head around the door.   
"Snake?" McGoneagirl said questioningly.   
"Uh…" Snake stopped mid-leap and landed on the floor.   
"I won't mention this if you do a favour for me." McGoneagirl raised her eyebrows at the adulterated version of the Flylizards Torment and smiled.   
"Ummmm…" Snake thought for a minute, "Okay then." He sighed and sat down on a table.   
"I want you go to the Halloween ball dressed as a purple people eater. I'm going as a giant beer keg, and Albus is going as-" McGoneagirl started giggling, "as-as a toilet seat!"   
Snake looked uncertain at this. "And my green pickle costume was all ready to go too…"   
McGoneagirl started laughing again. "Green pickle! That's just as good! I know, you're coming as a cross between a purple people eater and a green pickle!" McGoneagirl now was holding her sides, she was laughing that hard.   
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea…" Snake started, but then changed his mind when he thought of what would happen to him if McGoneagirl split on what he was doing before he started dancing around the room. Snake sighed and returned to his desk, which had turned into a pig this time. (Although he didn't find that out until he tried to open a drawer, pulling on one of its ears.) "What in the name Voldemort is this!" he yelped as he jumped up and back from his pisk (pig-desk), still staring at it.   
"Commandment number one:" McGoneagirl said icily, all traces of her humour gone, "Never take Lord Voldemort's name in vain."   
"What the-?" Snake asked, looking at McGoneagirl now.   
"Never take Lord Voldemort's name in vain." She reiterated, slowly and carefully, enunciating every syllable to make sure he knew what she was talking about.   
"But-but-but-you said his name!" Snake was now cowering very un-Snake like in the corner that happened to house his pure Austrian lead crystal bottle set.   
"Well, after all that Harry's done," Her face softened visibly, "I don't think it's any problem for me to start saying—" she was cut off by Snake.   
"My mark's burning. Who are you? Or should I say, what are you?" Snake jumped up onto the bookshelf behind him, smashing his pure Austrian lead crystal bottles numbers 1 through 5 in the process.

McGoneagirl burst out laughing again. "Haven't you heard the revised ten commandments? Hairy, Wronky and Harmonious wrote it as an amusement during portions a few weeks ago. Everyone was reciting it."   
Snake slowly shook his head. "And to think that I didn't catch them. Can I take points for an alleged piece of insolence written in my class?" He looked at her hopefully.   
McGoneagirl renewed her laughter. "You haven't heard? Well, I'll give them to you after the Halloween ball if you're good." She became mock-stern and shook a finger at him. "You behave yourself, Severed Snake. Oh, and the answer is no." With one last giggle, she walked out of the dungeon, nearly bumping into the door on the way.   
Snake just stared after her, as if the basillisp had looked at him. "That woman." Was all he could say, until he finally realised it was one o'clock, and that if he didn't get moving, he wouldn't get any lunch.

***

The Great Hall, lunch time   
"Hungry, hungry I am hungry, table, table here I come, I could eat a goosemoose burger, fifteen pickles and a purple plum." Wronky cheerfully sand as he piled his plate high with food. Harmonious, who was already eating, stopped chewing her food. "What did you just say?" she said before trying to swallow her half chewed mouthful, then continued to chew, then swallow successfully.   
"Hungry, hungry I am hungry, table, table here I come, I could eat a goosemoose burger, fifteen pickles and a purple plum." Wronky sang again as Hairy sat down on the other side of Wronky, holding a piece of parchment. "What the hell was that?" he demanded as he read the parchment.

"Oh, nothing in particular." Wronky replied, looking a little red.   
"That was the food song!" Harmonious interjected joyfully, "And I know the second verse!"   
Hairy groaned. "Please, no, I don't need that while I'm eating."   
Harmonious looked hurt. "Aw, come on, my singing isn't that bad, is it?"   
Hairy looked grim for a moment, then told her, "It's not the singing, it's the song."   
Wronky protested at this. "But it's a good song!" he said.   
"How can you eat fifteen pickles?" Hairy asked him.   
"Easy. Just like this." Wronky shoved around 7 pickles into his mouth and chewed.   
"Ugh." Hairy said and looked away, "pickles!"   
Wronky swallowed. "Don't you like pickles?" he asked.   
"Nope. Never have since Dudley stuck one up his—" Hairy looked slightly green at this, and stopped.

"Stuck a pickle up what?" Harmonious leaned closer to hear, taking a bite out of a juicy apple. A couple of drops of juice landed on Wronky's face, another few landed on Hairy's glasses. "Oh, sorry." She said, "Continue on, Hairy." She gestured with the apple.   
"Up his-no, it was actually through his head." Hairy looked positively sick.   
"Through his head? You mean in one ear and out the other?" Wronky now was very interested. "Even Fred couldn't do that."   
"Well, it went in his nose and out through his ear. Although when he tried to pull it out, his fat fingers pushed it back in, and it came out his other ear. By this time," Hairy paused when he saw that the whole Greedygore table was staring at him, "his mother was there, and she got it out for him."

Harmonious was amazed. "Are you sure Dudley's an entire muggle? You know, not everyone can shove a pickle through his head and come out alive."   
Hairy sighed. "Thankfully, he doesn't. When they took him to get an X-ray, it turned out that there wasn't anything in his head."   
"But how can anyone survive without a brain?" Harmonious asked, always practical (Well, nearly always)   
"This was when he was three." Hairy explained, "He grew a brain when he was five."   
"Can we start eating again?" Wronky asked, acutely aware that the whole school, including the Zitherpins and the teachers were listening. Immediately the sounds of cutlery and crockery clinking together started up again.

Draino decided to take his daily (or more) stroll to the Greedygore table to insult Hairy and co soon after that. "Excuse me." He nodded at Cribbe, Doily and Panty (Picture Mum was sulking at the other end of the table, and Draino didn't pay any attention to him), "I have to have a chat with Potamus." He dabbed the corners of his mouth, smoothed his hair and got up. He resisted straightening his robes and sniffing his armpits, and walked over to the Greedygores, or more specifically, Hairy.

"Whaddaya want, Malfunction?" Hairy said. Draino scowled, then smiled painfully. "I hear your cousin didn't grown a brain until he was five."   
Hairy nodded. "That's true." He said.   
"I was just wondering if it runs in the family." Draino asked casually.   
"As a matter of fact, yes." Hairy answered calmly, "I don't think my Uncle Vernon has quite grown his brain yet."   
Draino scowled. "I meant you, Potamus." Wronky made to get up, but was restrained by a surprisingly firm hand from Harmonious.   
"Oh, well I do believe my brain grew at the correct time, unlike yours, Malfunction. I heard somewhere that yours grew too early and that now it's all dry and withered up." Hairy smiled at him.   
"The nerve of you, Potamus." Draino whispered angrily as he stalked back to his table.

"Touchy, touchy." Harmonious commented. She saw Draino had paused in his obviously planned storm. Now he was coming back-not heading towards Hairy or Wronky, or Never, even. He was heading towards her, and she felt panicked for a moment.   
"Oh, and Grudger, I shall see you tonight at the ball. Shouldn't be too hard to pick you out with that head of hair." Draino pulled out a piece of elaborate jewellery. "I might give this to you."   
"Hey! That's from his mum's personal collection!" Hairy pointed at the silver chain, which visibly had NM inscribed into the clasp. Wronky burst out laughing. "His mum's personal collection. His mother has a personal collection of jewellery. What else could it be? An impersonal collection?" Wronky tried to put another spoonful of whatever he was eating, it looked a lot like pudding, into his mouth, but failed because he was laughing too hard.   
Draino scowled and resumed his stalk back to his table.   
"That was an interesting display, don't you think? She asked Hairy, who was silent with thought. She dabbed at the corners of her mouth, and gave them each a pat on the head as she got up. "I'm off to the library now, you know, we've got the afternoon off."   
"What?" Wronky shot out of his seat, hoping for some free time with her.   
"Yes. To prepare for tonight's Halloween Ball." Harmonious replied with absolutely no positive feelings, "I have no costume yet and I need one."   
"What the hell has the library got to do with costumes?" Wronky was confused.   
"I'm looking for spells." Harmonious stated plainly, "I need the costume that will conceal my identity the most."

"Whatever for?" Wronky asked.   
"To get rid of Malfunction." Harmonious sighed, feeling depressed, "He's been staring at me since-oh, I don't know, could've been after Fried and Grog put that love portion in his soup. Did something to his brain, if he does have one." She finished with great difficulty as she remembered the conversation, if you could call it that, that they had only a few minutes ago with Draino.   
Wronky took her by her shoulders, "Just as long as I know what you're going as." He said firmly, "I don't want to end up dancing with someone else who just happens to look quite a bit like you."   
Harmonious smiled. "You won't. I promise, you'll know who I am." She walked out of the Grate Wall purposefully, in the direction of the library.   
Hairy, meanwhile, looked murderous as he considered Wronky and Harmonious together-without the love portion.

***

"Oh god." Harmonious ran her hands through her hair, which had escaped its ribbon that was supposedly tying it back. "I'm so tired." She slumped in her chair. Partvarti and Leavenedhair both reassured her that they'd find something for her to wear. They had looked through all the books in the library about Halloween costumes, and that was quite a few.   
"Well, Harmonious, I'm going as Britney Spears. Perhaps you could come as Christina Aguilera?" Leavendhair suggested.   
"Not with my hair I couldn't. I'd look more like a freak in skimpy clothing with my hair." Harmonious sighed.

"I know! You can come as an Ewok!. They're from Star Wars." Partvarti said. "You do know Star Wars, don't you?" she added as Harmonious looked even more depressed than she was already.   
"I know Star Wars very well. In fact, I can quote Yoda." Harmonious brightened as she remembered her one-time favourite movie series. She had moved on to Star Trek. There was a lot more of that to watch on TV and read about. "Try not. Do, do. Or do not. There is no try." Harmonious brightened a bit. "I'll go as Princess Leia!"   
Partvarti looked disgusted. "You as Princess Leia? Impossible!" She started laughing very ungraciously. Madman Mince glared at them as she passed with an armful of books.   
Leavenedhair thought about it. "How are you going to find the time to do your hair? I mean, those buns take a very long time to get right."

"Simple," Harmonious said, "Magic, of course. And I know just the charm too." She smiled to herself in anticipation, thinking of how Wronky would look at her when he saw her pure white pieces of-well, not much, actually.   
"And your dress?" Partvarti asked, "What are you going to do about that? Even I don't have any clothing quite up to that standard."   
Harmonious gave the same reply. "Magic, of course. How else did you think I was going to get a dress made in such a short time?"   
"How about…the House Elves?" Leavenedhair said to rile her.   
"The HOUSE ELVES?!?!!" Harmonious verily shouted. "How dare you insult them?"   
Leavenedhair shrugged her shoulders. "Why not? I mean, you're their friend. It would seem like a favour, wouldn't it?"   
"In any case, I'm going to keep to using my magic. I'll leave the house elves out of this one." Harmonious waved her wand and all the books flew back into their rightful places. She got up and walked angrily back to the Greedygore common room.   
"I wonder how she did that?" Leavenedhair said to Partvarti as she left, "It would make my life so much easier."   
They heard a faint voice from outside the hall. "It's called practice!"   
Leavenedhair and Partvarti looked at each other. "It's what comes of too much studying. Sad, isn't it?" Partvarti said. Leavenedhair nodded, and turned back to a book she had about hairstyles. "Now how should I wear my hair? Up, down, out, curled?" she asked.

***

"So, Harmonious." Draino said as he easily caught up with Harmonious, who was still walking furiously fast. "Have you made up your mind about tonight?" he smiled at her fondly, and brushed a strand of hair away from her face.   
"Get away from me, Malfunction!" She moved away from him, not breaking her stride as she started up the stairs that would lead to the Greedygore portrait hole.   
"Why do you scorn me so?" Draino mused as he stood there at the bottom of the stairs, quite by himself. He sighed. "I'll just have to reform myself even more. Father won't like this at all."

Harmonious slammed into the Greedygore common room. She looked at the clock on the wall. "Shoot! 4:30 and I haven't even started on my dress!" she said to no-one in particular, then raced up to her dorm to get out her charms books.

Ten minutes later…   
"That's the last of it." Harmonious sat back and sighed, looking at her creation contemplatively. Leavenedhair and Partvarti came in, chatting about who they'd like to dance with, "Hairy, of course." And "No, that cute fifth-year is better".   
Then they saw Harmonious' costume. Their eyes grew round in surprise. "You're going to wear that to the Halloween ball?" Leavenedhair said after a few moments of complete silence.   
"Yes, I suppose so." Harmonious sighed again, "It's not nearly half as good as I wanted it to be, but with what little time I had…" she trailed off and collapsed onto her bed.   
"But it's wonderful!" Partvarti exclaimed.   
"I guess. Now I'll have to do my hair." Harmonious was utterly exhausted, and she felt like she could sleep for a hundred years.   
"No, no, we'll do your hair and your makeup." Leavenedhair had underestimated Harmonious' creative skills, and was amazed at the delicacy of the dress, which seemed like it was just a few wisps of nothing. She could never expect to make something like that, let alone buy it. It would cost hundreds of galleys, and her parents would never let her wear it anyway.   
Harmonious refused their offers as gracefully as she could manage, then set her alarm for 5 and promptly went to sleep.

***

Meanwhile, Wronky and Hairy were discussing costume plans, as somehow they had been missed in the announcements for a Halloween ball.   
"So what are you going as?" Wronky asked Hairy.   
Hairy grinned. "I was thinking of coming as the one and only…Hairy Potamus!"   
Wronky frowned. "I don't think that's such a good idea-it would only further your good guy image. And what's more, you look really corny. I was going to come as He-who-musty-knot-be-rained-on, but now that I think of it…" Hairy cut him off.   
"I'll come as Bombed Fiddle!" he said with glee, "I won't have to do much, just find some clothing from the 50's, and seeing as Hogwarts robes were the same back then, I won't have much to do."   
Wronky was stumped. "That's all very well for you, what about me?" He scratched his head and thought for a while.

Harmonious stumbled in, looking sleepy. "Wassup?" she said and yawned.   
"Harmonious, are you okay?" Hairy and Wronky stopped fooling around when she collapsed on Wronky's bed.   
"Oh, sure. Just a little tired." She yawned again, and put something that was in her fist down on the bed.   
"What's that?" Hairy pointed at the white, shimmering thing.   
"That's my costume. I made it myself." Harmonious got up from the bed with Wronky's help.   
"You made that? How much time did you spend on it? Five minutes?" Hairy snorted.   
"Ten, actually." She stumbled and then whispered something that made her wide-awake. "That's much better now." Harmonious held up the shimmery stuff, which unfolded to look like a very, very skimpy dress.   
"Ten minutes on that piece of crap?" Wronky poked at it with his wand in disdain, "I'll certainly know who you are if you turn up in that."   
Harmonious screwed up her nose for a second. "I'm supposed to be Princess Leia. You know, the one with the buns for hair?"

Wronky wrinkled his brow. "No. Did you say buns for hair?" he said hopefully, thinking that if he stole away with her, he could eat them for dessert.   
"Not that kind of bun." She turned to Hairy. "Surely you know of the Star Wars trilogy?"   
Hairy made a face. "Yeah. Dudley always was for the Dark Side. You know, Vader and all them. He wanted to be the Grand Moff Tarkin, but I kept telling him he was too fat. I was rooting for Luke, Leia and Han, though."

Harmonious grinned. "You go, uh…guy?" she ended lamely. "Well, in any case," she continued, "this is a magic dress. It's not see through, although it seems so, so you can't look, Wronky." She gave him a playful, admonishing look. "My hair I'll do with magic as well." Harmonious glanced up at the clock. "Oh cripes! I'm gonna be late!" she rushed out of the room with her 'dress', calling quick goodbyes to Hairy and Wronky. "She's gonna be late?" Wronky said to Hairy. Hairy just shook his head.   
Wronky thought about his costume for a bit, before thinking of Hairy's divisibility coke.   
"Hairy, what's a famous person who was beheaded?" Wronky asked, a plan forming in his head.   
"Marie Antoinette." Was Hairy's immediately reply. "Wait a minute, you're not thinking of—"   
"Yeah, yes I am!" Wronky jumped with glee. "We're using your invisibility cloak."   
Hairy frowned. "We?"   
"Well, only me. You can still go as Bombed Fiddle." Wronky said.   
Hairy sighed. "Oh well. I guess…but then won't it be a little hard to dance with Harmonious if she doesn't know where your head is?"   
"No, no, no!" Wronky said impatiently, "I'm coming as her head."   
"Sneaky." Hairy nodded his approval, secretly wishing that Harmonious and Wronky would break up. "I'll still come as Bombed Fiddle, then."

And so their costume problems were solved.   


A/N: Stupid ending, isn't it? Best I could do, I wanted to get this up before the long weekend. (Yes, it's Cup Day next Tuesday in Victoria, Australia, and we get Monday off as well) I'll continue writing this, so keep your eyes peeled. (If you got this far, you either must be devoted, stupid, or you just skipped to the end.) The ten commandments mentioned will hopefully be up sometime in the near future.

Disclaimer: Some of the stuff above belongs to JK Rowling. Some other stuff belongs to George Lucas and Co. I only own the plot? (I don't know about that.)


	4. The Flylizards Torment: Part Four

A/N: I've decided to keep it as the Flylizards Torment, just so people won't get confused.   
Please R/R; I need them to know what to write about.   
  
  


The Flylizards Torment   
Part Four

  
  
  


As Hairy, Wronky and Harmonious walked to the Grate Wall together, Harmonious noticed Hairy had a piece of parchment clenched tightly in his fist. "Hairy," she said, "is that the same piece of parchment you had at lunch time?"   
Hairy nodded yes. "Why are you so interested in it?" he asked back, trying not to be aggressive.   
"Oh, just that you seem very attached to it." Harmonious said as she patted her hair, making sure that it was still in place, which of course, it was as it was fixed there with magic. (Leavenedhair and Partvarti had tried to help her with it, but she got them to do her makeup instead. Now she was wearing what she thought was about twenty layers of different types of foundations, concealers and powders, with about a million different types of shimmer, sparkle and gloss on top of that, not to mention the eyelash lengthening charms and all that.)   
"Oh," Hairy laughed, "that was just a note from someone who was going to be dressed as an evil icon of the twentieth century. It said that he wanted to get rid of me tonight. I suppose it was just a little trick."   
Harmonious immediately had a frown on her face. "A note from someone who is coming as an evil icon of the twentieth century-He-who-musty-knot-be-rained-on perhaps?"   
Hairy shook his head, "I was thinking more of Bombed Fiddle."   
Harmonious shook her head vigorously, replying, "They're one and the same. It makes no difference."   
Hairy thought about this for a while. "Still, if he was Moldywort, he wouldn't be killing his younger self. Then he himself wouldn't exist. Paradoxical, you know? That's why I'm going as Bombed Fiddle."   
Harmonious nodded, then fell into silence.   
Wronky took the time to have a look over her in her barely there dress.   
She had transfixed Wronky ever since she met them in their common room. It appeared that she was wearing nothing, yet she wasn't shivering from the cold, and he sure as hell couldn't see through that dress. It annoyed him immensely that she could actually wear something like that to a Halloween party. It was more the kind of thing he thought she would wear to their graduation. He himself was just a floating head, as he had borrowed Hairy's divisibility coke. Hairy, who was still wearing school robes, except these ones were made of a velvety stuff, his scar was now hidden under a bit of putty from Fried and Gutted's store, and he had magicked a little monogrammed TMR onto his pocket.

When they got to the door of the Grate Wall, Draino was waiting for them, in tight breeches, a waistcoat, ruffled shirt and cravat, also heavily adorned with daggers, knives and a sword. Harmonious quickly melted into the background before he saw her. Draino bowed to Hairy and Wronky in a fashion, showing obvious distaste in Wronky's costume, and a liking to Hairy's.   
"Ah. Yes. Potamus and Weasel. I see you've chosen a good costume for tonight." He said, gesturing to the monogrammed initials on Hairy's pocket. Then he noticed that Harmonious was missing. "Where's Grudger?" he said, looking suspiciously at them. Harmonious was hiding behind a pillar, 10 feet away from him.   
Wronky waved his hand expansively. "I don't know," he said, "she popped off about five minutes ago. Said something about her hair."   
Draino snorted. "Her hair. When does she ever worried about her hair?"   
Hairy glared at him. "When have you ever not?" he retorted.   
Draino looked hurt. "I'll leave you now to pick on some other unfortunate." He said, before hunching his shoulders and clanking off into the hall.   
"Wow." Wronky said to Hairy, "you'd actually think he was insulted."   
Harmonious came out from behind the pillar. "I wonder how he walks, with those tight pants and all that metal clanking around him." She commented.   
"Don't start getting any ideas." Wronky warned her.   
"I'm not!" she said indignantly, then said sheepishly, "Well, apart from bewitching those swords to be about ten times heavier and those leather-well, I suppose you'd call them breeches, about ten times tighter."   
Wronky and Hairy breathed a sigh of relief, and she continued on, "But I suppose I could rid him of them, and let the swords be kind of like a metal kilt, only sharper." She smiled at the thought of Draino wearing a ruffled shirt, cravat, waistcoat and a collection of sharp metal implements.   
They were all laughing by this time. "How do suppose you're going to do that?" Wronky demanded between guffaws.   
"I do have my wand concealed in my hair, you know." Harmonious said, pointing to a piece of wood sticking out of her left bun.   
Hairy nodded knowingly. "Always useful to carry your wand around with you all the time. I've got mine in my pocket, right here." He patted his right hip, which had a rather pointy looking object protruding from the robes.   
"Hairy," Harmonious said, "Are you sure that's a wand?" she pulled it out of his pocket. "Just as I thought. A stake."   
Wronky frowned slightly. "A stake?"   
Hairy smiled. "Haven't you heard? Malfunction's come as a vampire. I thought I'd bring some protection against him." He produced a bauble of garlic. "And this too."   
Harmonious wrinkled her nose. "Hairy, you heard wrong. Malfunction's come as a vamp, more commonly known as a fop or cad, not a vampire."   
Wronky started laughing again. "A fop. I like that."   
With big smiles on their faces, Hairy, Harmonious and Wronky entered the Grate Wall finally.

***

"Well?" McGoneagirl stood there with her hands on her hips. "Where's the cross between the purple people eater and the green pickle?"   
Snake tried to look unhappy and apologetic. "Unfortunately, the purple people eater costume was already taken at the Logsweed costume shop."   
McGoneagirl sighed. "Oh well." She said. "I guess the green pickle will have to do. And I was looking forward to the purple people eater too…" she trailed off, her thoughts far, far away.   
Snake edged towards the door. "So what's your costume?" he asked.   
"I told you already. A giant beer keg." She gathered her things up. "Now, go and get ready. I have a lot to do before 7:30." She shooed him out, and Snake was glad to go.   
"Those awful Greedygores." He shuddered. "At least my masterpiece will be revealed tonight." He laughed maniacally as he got into the green pickle costume. "This will be worth the trouble."

McGoneagirl sighed and sat down in her office. "Giant beer keg. Now that's funny." She gave a little laugh as Dumbelladorn walked in. "So how did our bet go?" he asked her.   
"Not bad. He's coming as a green pickle. Pay up, Album."   
"Ah ah ah. He's not coming as a cross between a purple people eater and a green pickle is he?" Dumbelladorn said, his eyes twinkling.   
"Yeah, well he's not coming as his normal self either. Shouldn't I at least get some money?" McGoneagirl protested.   
"Let's call this one a draw. No one loses any, and no one gains. Fair?" Dumbelladorn compromised.   
"Okay." McGoneagirl said, wishing that the purple people eater costume was for rent. She really wanted to see Snake in his costume. Dumbelladorn and herself weren't really going as a Giant beer keg or a toilet seat, but as Logshorts teachers. Snake would really make a fool of himself in front of all the Zitherpins. Everyone would remember this Halloween ball for ages, or so she hoped.   
"Shall we go now?" Dumbelladorn held out an arm for McGoneagirl.   
"Why not?" she answered, and took the proffered arm.

***

"There you are, Harmonious." Draino pulled her away from Leavenedhair, Partvarti and their friends who were talking about that girl from Blowbackons, whose name was Flour. It seemed that all their boyfriends and so on had been mesmerised by her.   
"Hey! Get your greasy hands off me!" she slapped futilely at Draino's strong arms around her waist, and at his chest.   
"Shh. Try not to make a scene. Did I mention that you look wonderful tonight?" He said quietly into her ear. She tried to maintain some space between them, but Draino pulled her in closer, looking over her. "What did you make that dress out of?" he asked, fingering the material at her back. She thought that there wouldn't be any harm in telling him, as he couldn't do anything with that snippet of information.   
"Magic." She said.   
"Magic? Does that mean that if I say Finite Incantatum it will disappear?" he said in disbelief.   
"Nope, I put a charm on top of it so no one can do it apart from me." She replied, happy that she did.   
"Damn." He said, before pressing her to himself, "I wished I could. Not here, of course." He added, sensing her discomfort. Harmonious was furious. She decided that fighting physically against Draino was impossible for the moment, and used her tongue instead. She started an onslaught of insults.

"What have you been doing, playing hairdresser with Snake?" she spat at him.   
Draino looked confused for a split second, then realised she was referring to her previous remark about greasy hands. "For your information, Snake can't help having greasy hair." He hissed furiously, defending his housemaster. "What else do you expect from staying down in that musty dungeon with all those cauldrons full of lard and other crap?" Draino continued whirling her around the floor, and mushed her against his chest. Her face was buried in the ruffles on the front of his shirt.   
"Don't, you'll smudge my makeup!" she said, and amazingly he held her a little further away, but still close enough that she was touching him. After about thirty seconds, when her head had cleared from the cologne that he was wearing, she was at it again.   
"You filthy bastard, you can't even get a girl without abducting her first." She said viciously.   
Draino was surprised, and almost let go of her. Instead, he replied, "No, I took a shower just before and my parents were married for 3 years before they had me. As for abducting you, you're still in Logshorts, aren't you?"   
Harmonious looked daggers at him. "You little pus-filled maggot. Don't you know that your mother had an affair?" This one really got to him.   
"My mother? An affair? With who?" Draino let go of her and stepped back.   
"More like with what!" Harmonious laughed with relief. She ran back to Wronky, who had observed the whole episode. Draino was left standing there. "Very well." He muttered to himself, "If I can't get you, I shall have someone else."

Wronky got up from the table(although it wasn't apparent, his head just floated up) as Harmonious came towards him, almost sprinting. "What happened?" he asked, swallowing his mouthful of spaghetti. Harmonious went straight into his invisible arms, and gave him an unexpected hug. "That thug Malfunction was trying to molest me." She sobbed into his chest.   
"Everything's okay now. Look, he's trying to get Flour to dance with him." He tried to stroke her hair, then realised again that it was all done up. He settled for a pat on her mostly bare back. Harmonious dried her eyes against an invisible Wronky, and turned to watch Malfunction use his "charm" on Flour.

Draino had tried everything he could think of to get Flour to dance with him, but she insisted on sticking to Dodger Rabies' side, or least, very close to him. At the moment, he was sitting next to her, playing poker with his friends and doing okay for himself.   
"Please, Flour, dance with me." Draino was practically on his knees, begging for a dance.   
"No way, Draino." Flour turned back to Dodger. "Oh, you are so good." She purred to him. Dodger smiled, and continued playing.   
"Just one dance, please?" Draino couldn't really believe it himself, it wasn't like him to throw himself at the feet of a lady. It might have been a—no, he thought. No love portions this time. He really did love Harmonious, but why was he begging Flour to dance with him. After all-   
"Your muzzer was a hamster and your fazzer smelt of elderberries!" Flour half-shouted at him, as he found himself kissing the hem of her dress. (She had come as the Princess of Wales-god knows why!)   
Draino removed himself from her dress, and got up.   
"I'm sorry," he said icily, moving off to find a more receptive girl, thinking that some habits were hereditary.   
"I don't know what's the matter with that Draino." Flour said to Lodger, "he keeps trying to—what is that word again? Ah yes. Hit on me."   
Lodger grunted. "Don't worry about him. I'll take care of you." He said before betting a rather large amount of Knives on the next round.

***

Harmonious giggled. "He's even worse with Flour than he was with me. Look at him, on his knees." She felt better now that she was sitting between Hairy and Wronky, actually more on Wronky than between Hairy and Wronky. Wronky looked much happier about this arrangement than Hairy, who was either staring wistfully in the direction of Ker Ching, who was slow-dancing with Cedar Didgeridoo, or at Harmonious and Wronky.   
Hairy spotted Dumbelladorn and McGoneagirl walk in. "Finally," he said, "We get some order around here."   
Fried and Gutted looked at him as though he was some alien.   
"What?" Hairy said as they stared strangely at him, "Am I growing green horns?" he felt his head. "I am." He said after making sure there were two hard, bony growths sticking out of his head.   
Fried and Gutted were very red around the ears, and they also looked slightly green around the gills.   
"Have you got anything to do with this?" Hairy demanded.   
"Well,"   
"Er,"   
"Actually,"   
"No." Gutted finished. "We haven't. You'd better ask Snake about this one."   
Fried and Gutted pointed as one to a large green sausage-like thing that was wobbling its way over to the teacher's table.   
"That's Snake?" Hairy asked in amazement.   
"Sure." Fried said, "see the top of the pickle? It's rather oily."   
Hairy nodded. "You do have a point. Although I can't exactly see what this has to do with my horns, or rather, antlers." He touched his head again, and found they felt more like a stag's antlers than a cow's horns.   
"Well," Gutted tried to explain without gagging, "Snake sort of pointed his wand in your direction as he staggered in. I assume he wasn't trying to get you, but it did, and now you have antlers." He stopped talking to cough, and out came a green tree frog. "It appears that he got me too."

"As the Flylizards-no, Flywizards Torment competitors will be announced tonight, I shall have to make sure that Potamus boy doesn't win. Some horns should be appropriate-no, antlers are better." Snake said to the green pickle costume as he walked into the Grate Wall, stroking the top of it, leaving greasy handprints. "My Draino Malfunction shall win this contest." He cackled as the crowd on the dance floor parted for this monstrosity. All around him Snake could hear whispers about who was in the pickle. He snorted. "No one will guess who I am. Not with this they won't." Snake whispered into the foam around his head. His face was painted green to match the fabric, and he wore a green body-stocking underneath. He waved his green-stockinged arm with the wand in it at Hairy, and made him grow horns-no, antlers! He thought furiously to himself, and accidentally moved his arm, so the spell hit that Weasel twin as well. "Oh well," Snake thought and half-whispered, "It doesn't matter if I get him as well."

After that little bit of mischief, he made his way up to the teacher's table, congratulating students on their costumes as he went by. "So, Mynervous," he said as he sat down, "Where's the giant beer keg and the toilet seat?" he raised his eyebrows at Dumbelladorn, sitting at the head of the table.   
McGoneagirl gave a nervous laugh. "We didn't wear them, after all."   
"You didn't wear them?" Snake said furiously.   
McGoneagirl nodded.   
"You didn't bloody dress up as a friggin' giant beer keg, and here I am stuck in a friggin' green pickle costume?" Snake got up from the table, shaking the crockery and spilling the fermented grape juice.   
McGoneagirl nodded again, and went on to explain, "Didn't you know it was a joke? In any case, I still won't tell about the book."   
Dumbelladorn got up and stood next to Snake. "You been in the porn mags again?" he asked Snake. "Playwizard's still the best, you know." He winked at Snake, then went back to his seat, pouring his fifth glass of fermented grape juice and sculling it down. "Good stuff this is." Dumbelladorn said jollily, "My fifth in 10 minutes." He burped and poured another.

Snake grimaced in disgust. "Who'd have known." He muttered to himself, "The headmaster's a drunken porn fanatic, and the Deputy's a joker." He pulled a hip flask out from somewhere in the green pickle, and took a swig. "Nothing like a good strong tomato juice to calm the nerves." He said to himself. A quiet voice piped up from somewhere in the vicinity of his left ear.   
"What about me, the dog-man?"   
"Yaah!" Snake said as he jumped, "God, Serious, you scared me." Snake did a double take. "Wait a minute. Serious Bleak. You're supposed to be a convicted murderer. What are you doing here?" he asked the good-looking man who was seated next to him.   
"Don't you know? My name's been cleared." Serious said.   
"But-but-but that's not supposed to happen until later." Snake spluttered inside his green pickle suit, leaving flecks of spittle dribbling down the polystyrene innards.   
"Who's to say when it's supposed to happen? After all, how do you know I'm Serious Bleak?" Serious said airily.   
"Because you look like him, talk like him and generally are him." Snake replied half-logically.   
"That doesn't mean anything if you've got a Polypuke Portion." The apparently Serious Bleak said, and grinned to show a big mouthful of shiny white teeth.   
"Those teeth look strangely familiar…" Snake trailed off as he went and got Dumbelladorn.   
Serious shrugged and went back to the Logshorts nightly special-cold spaghetti drenched with watered down tomato juice and peeled grapes in white sauce. (It was supposed to look like guts and eyeballs)   
"I don't see why you're so upset. My teeth are better now that I have some toothpaste and a toothbrush. Those deflectors at Banthahan don't even give you a clean pitcher of water to wash your face with." Serious said through a mouthful of steak and kidney pie (Yes, real kidneys!) to Dumbelladorn. "The thing is, I wanted to see Hairy and make sure he wasn't getting into too much trouble. He has to save up his energy to do battle with Lard Moldywort at the end of the year." Serious scraped up the crusts and shoved them in his mouth, waiting for Dumbelladorn to speak.   
"You're not supposed to come back yet." Dumbelladorn touched Serious' arm gently, "Do you know what everyone would say if they had an ex-convicted murderer in their midst?"   
Serious laughed. "They'd all think it's great, just as long as I could teach Defence Against the Park Darts. I hear Confessor Rotter has them all tying knots in their underwear to get an early warning system against Lard Moldywort. Come on, everyone knows that that doesn't work."

Dumbelladorn chuckled. "Quite right. However, the Ministry of Magic happened to find him right out of Burmastring as a student teacher. He should be good at that kind of stuff, although I hear that they actually teach them the Park Darts there."   
McGoneagirl suddenly entered the conversation. "Yes," she sniffed, "they do. Although I do believe this Confessor Rotter does know what he's doing."   
Snake put down his fork and knife carefully on the side of his plate. "So you are Serious Bleak?" he asked.   
Serious was taken aback. "You mean you actually thought I was someone else pretending to be me?"   
Snake smiled greasily. "You never can be too careful, with all these attacks by He-who-musty-knot-be-rained-on."   
Serious nodded solemnly. "Yes. You never can be too careful. Those little rats do get annoying sometimes, don't they."   
Snake cocked his head, if it was possible inside the pickle. "Little rats?" he asked.   
"Oh come on! Surely you remember Weaker Petticoat last year." Serious peered into an eyehole of the pickle. "Are you quite okay in there?" he asked.   
"I'm fine, thank you for asking, though." Snake said, trying to be civil, and turning quite pale as he saw the eye looking straight into his. Serious could give him heartburn with one stare. Damn him! He made a mental note to carry a roll of chewy Quick-eze the next time he went to a feast which involved a lot of food and Serious Bleak.   
"Well, I'll be off now." Serious pushed his chair back from the table. "Got some students to boogie with." He grinned at Snake, and went off to find Hairy.

"Yo, Hairy!" Serious said as he walked towards the Greedygore table. Hairy saw Serious and jumped up, a smile on his dial.   
"Hi Serious. How have you been? Where's Buckbeak? Where're you living?" Hairy started questioning him as he got closer.   
"Shh. Not here." Serious leaned closer to Hairy. "People might hear you. Come on, kid." He took Hairy by the hand and led him out in the direction of a dark closet on the thirteenth floor. Harmonious and Wronky looked on in awe as they saw Hairy and Serious just walk through the wall.

Over at the teacher's table, Snake murmured to no one in particular, "Sometimes I wonder about Serious and Hairy."

"Goddamn. I gotta learn to do that one." Harmonious muttered as Picture Mum bumped into her, not quite by accident.   
"May I cut in?" he said to Wronky in his thick accent.   
"Sure. Whatever." Wronky turned a purplish-red and slouched off to the drinks table.   
"So, what's your name?" Picture said to her, red highlighting his cheeks.   
"You don't even know my name and you want to dance with me already?" Harmonious sounded slightly amazed. Picture didn't lift his head, thinking she was going to leave him there.   
"That's so sweet." Harmonious said. Picture looked at her, relieved. "Much better than Wronky's ever done. Of course, then, I introduced myself to him and Hairy, so there wasn't very much he could do about that." She continued. Picture frowned a little.   
"Who is this…Vronky?" he asked.   
"Oh, he's just a friend. He was dancing with me before." She said a little too brightly.   
"And Hairy?" he asked.   
"Just another friend." She said, this time quite normally.   
"So there is nothing between you and them?" he asked.   
"Well, actually, there is. Quite a few metres of air." She said with a smile. Picture frowned.   
"A joke." Harmonious explained.   
"Ah. A joke." Picture said relieved. They continued dancing.

"Ah, look at that Grudger girl and my good ol' buddy Picture." Draino said to Cribbe as he flung a fake cigarette-part of his costume onto the stone floor and ground it to a powder with the toe of his other pair of patent leather boots with the leather lacing and cute little brass buttons.   
"I don't see the problem, boss." Cribbe ventured slowly.   
"Well, I do! My father wants her raped, pillaged and dead by my hand, and his father wants him married to this Albanian Park Darts princess! We can't have them falling in love now!" Draino roared at Cribble and Doily.   
Snake happened to walk, or rather, waddle by in his green pickle suit. "Who's falling in love?" he asked suspiciously.   
"Oh, just two people who definitely aren't supposed to." Draino said casually, trying not to draw attention to the fact.   
"Just as long as you're not involved, Malfunction. We wouldn't want your family name disgraced, would we?" Snake said.   
"No sir." Draino said dutifully.   
"That's better." Snake was relieved underneath the green pickle suit, now suffocatingly hot. "Shall we dance?" he held one stockinged arm out.   
Draino grimaced at the thought of dancing with a green pickle who also happened to be Snake. Then he realised the arm was for Panty, who was sitting next to him, one arm around his waist, or as he would rather think of it, one arm around all the swords and stuff hanging off his belt.   
"Of course, Confessor." Panty smiled prettily, or what she liked to think of as prettily. She bounced off the chair, took Snake's arm and waved to Draino. He raised his arm and then flopped it back down onto his leg.

"You know Panty, he really doesn't like you." Snake said as he and Panty danced-not closely, but not too far apart, either.   
"I know." She pouted, "but it doesn't mean that I can't try to make him like me."   
"I suppose so." Snake sighed. "Still, you could waste your time in a better way. For instance, learning your Portions."   
"Is this what it's all about then." Panty said.   
"No. Well, sort of. You can't get an A if you only got twenty-nine out of one hundred." Snake said cautiously.   
"You-you-you mean that I got twenty-nine on a Portions test?" Panty's voice wavered. She got out a lace-edged handkerchief, "I thought I'd get ten. I told my parents I would." Panty dabbed at the corners of her eyes.   
"Ten?" Snake tried to make sense of it.   
"Yes. To be the ditz of Logshorts you've got to get less than fifteen on each test, don't you?" Panty said, snuffling into her hanky.   
"Oh." Snake said knowingly. "I see. Well, I'll give you a really low score next time." He smiled, and patted her on the back. "Don't worry. We all have our own goals to achieve, and I will help you."   
The song ended, and Snake returned Panty to her seat. She smiled tearfully at him. "Thank you, sir." She said. He just turned away silently, and many Greedygores, Stufflechuffs, Shavenflaws and teachers still say that they saw a single tear escaping from the green pickle's eye to this day.

Snake had a look at the time, saw it was indeed quite early in the night, and retired to his office to wash off the paint and change out of the ridiculous green pickle suit. He would return to the Grate Wall in about an hour to witness the announcement of the Flywizards Torment. He was quite touched by Panty, but still some things came before others, and getting McGoneagirl back for tricking him into wearing that stupid pickle was at the top of the list.   
  


A/N: Well? Whaddaya think? Review time! (hint hint)

Disclaimer: Characters basically belong to J.K. Rowling. The purple people eater belongs to whoever owns it. Anyone or anything else belongs to whoever owns it.


	5. The Flylizards Torment: Part Five

A/N: Hello everyone! I'm your not so new fanfic writer! Pls. R/R, gimme something to chew on while I'm writing the next part.

I have changed some of the words in this one-not as much as the first part or the start of the second, but some. What else is there? Ah yes. In this you get to...   
1. Read my fanfic [Flylizards Torment part 5]   
2. See what the Sorting Hat's(sorry, Shouting Flat) got to say this time.   
3. Read a lot of other stuff that just happens to be the main part of this...   
  
  
  


Flylizards Torment   
Part Five

  
  
  


Serious booked down at the young fan walking beside him, hatting cheerfully about fool strife at Logshorts. He made agreeing noses every few minutes as if he was interested, but was actually contemplating whether he should fell Hairy what could possibly live him the one of the piggest hocks of his life.   
"You aren't listening to me, are you?" Hairy said, a look of disanointment on his mace.   
"Mmhmm. What? Oh, of course I'm listening." Serious said, startled out of neighing the advantages of telling Hairy.   
"You're not. You've got that look on your face." Hairy insisted.   
"Oh, all right. I'm turning senile in my old age." Serious laughed, "Better?"   
"Yeah. As I was asking you before, what should I do about Malfunction?" Hairy asked him.   
"What about Draino? He's only doing this because he's jealous." Serious said, "After all, you got the cribbage skills, the divisibility coke, good friends and the girl. Not to mention free rein and a lot of money." He added.   
"What girl?" Hairy said quickly.   
Serious looked at him non-plussed. "Why, Harmonious."   
"Harmonious? But she likes Wronky!" Hairy spluttered.   
"She likes Wronky better, but she still likes you. She's smart, unlike that Panty girl, and she's actually quite pretty. Don't tell me you don't know the way Draino looks at her." Serious said heavily, "You should have seen what happened about half an hour ago. If I didn't know better, I'd say Draino has a crush on Harmonious. Big time." Serious stopped in front of the cupboard on the thirteenth floor. "Here we are." He opened the floor and stepped in. "Come on, Hairy. It won't eat you." Serious said when Hairy hesitated.

Once Serious closed the floor, the inside of the cupboard turned into a replica of the Grate Wall.   
"Where are we?" Hairy asked Serious.   
"Oh, nothing special. Just a sort of spyhole on the Grate Wall. It's very useful, you know. I used to use it a lot when I was here." Serious said, remembering the time when he was in the cupboard and he saw Jammed and Silly making out in the little alcove not far from the Greedygore table. "Don't worry, no one can see you." He added.   
Hairy saw Harmonious prancing with that Vulgarian reeker, and Wronky scowling in a corner. He turned around, and saw Draino hulking, hooting daggers in Harmonious and Picture's direction.   
"See?" Serious stabbed Draino in the head with his wand, and gestured at Harmonious.   
"Mmm." Hairy was deep in thought about Harmonious and what she was doing with Picture Mum. Serious dragged him on up to the teachers' table.   
"Now, look at McGoneagirl and Snake." Hairy saw that Snake had changed out of the green pickle costume, and was now tressed in the same robes as all the other Logshorts teachers, except his had an extra large and extra stiff collar. On closer inflection, Hairy could see that Snake also had fangs dripping with blood.   
"Uh, Serious…" Hairy pointed at Snake's teeth.   
Serious laughed. "He can't help it. He just has to put on those fangs every once in a while."   
"So why are we in this cupboard?" Hairy asked Serious after a while.   
"Number 1: I wanted to show you this place. It's great, isn't it?" Serious said, ruffling up Snake's hair. "Everything that goes on here is exactly what is happening in the Grate Wall. Now Snake will be wondering what happened to his neatly greased hair." Hairy had to smile at Snake's annoyed look.   
"Number 2: I have something to tell you." Serious said a lot more siriusly.   
"What is it?" Hairy was white with fear.   
"I've been creeping around the school, and I must warn you: the Flylizards' Torment isn't what it used to be. It's now a beauty pageant." Serious said, hoping that Hairy wouldn't take it too badly.   
"The Flylizards' Torment? A beauty pageant?" Hairy yelped. "This is worse than Moldywart taking over the world!" he sat down on Draino's lap (which happened to be the nearest seat), and held his head in his hands. "What'll Wronky say now?" he wailed.   
Serious patted him on the shoulder. "It's not all that bad. You're quite good looking yourself. If it wasn't for the age limit, you probably would've won."   
Hairy choked. "What about Malfunction? And the other two fools? Won't they be mad?"   
Serious chuckled. "I don't think Crackacough will hang around for it when he hears about it. Madman Maximus, she's a different case though." He thought of that Blowbackons girl, Flour, and her long blonde hair. "In any case, I think Snake lowered the age limit, so you can enter."   
"Me, in a beauty pageant?" Hairy's eyes were as big as sorcerers. "You don't think I could, do you?"   
"Why not? Hell, it's a better deal than what we got." Serious said. "All they can make you do is bleach your hair, stick you on a diet and make you wear skimpy bathers, although I don't think you need the diet."   
Hairy was horrified. "Bleach my hair? Skimpy bathers?"   
Serious smiled. "It's not all that bad. Imagine the girls, though."   
Hairy thought of Ker in a string bikini. "Mmm. I don't think it's too bad for them, though."   
Serious looked at his watch. "We'd better be going. They're going to announce the Flylizards Torment thingy in ten."   
Hairy got off Draino's lap(Draino was nearly suffocated by now), and raced to the door. "Yeah! Let's get em!" he shouted as he slid down the banisters to the Grate Wall. Serious followed, sighing at the boy's enthusiasm.

"Attention, ascension, detention. All teachers, students and gusts to Logshorts. This is an emergency evacuation." Dumbelladorn said as he slurped his what-fiftieth? Goblet of Wine. McGoneagirl ahemed into his ear.   
"Oh. Whoopsie daisy. Attention everyone!" he rapped his staff on the ground, and everyone was immediately quiet. "We are going to announce the contestants for the Flylizards Torment!" he said. McGoneagirl ahemed again. She pointed at the rule book.   
"It now says Flywizards Torment, Album." She said quietly.   
"Oh. Sorry. The Flywizards Torment!" Dumbelladorn said. He took out the Shouting Flat. "This flat will tell us who is to be in the Torment. The Giblet of Mire decided to go rock climbing and it shell to an untimely breath. So we have this Flat to decide instead. Everyone who wishes to enter should have put his or her names in this flat. It will now tell us who are the contestants." He put the Shouting Flat on its customary tree-pegged tool. It started singing.

I'm here today for an important cause,   
The Flywizards Torment with all its flaws.   
Choose three contestants I will,   
You'll see that I'm not a dill   
But it happens that there will be more.

Wronky burned to Harmonious and asked her, "What was that all about? I never heard such drivel in my life from that flat before." Harmonious just shrugged her shoulders, and kept on booking at the flat. It started jumping about, but it continued its weird song.

You ought to see what happened   
To the unfortunates from Blowbackons,   
They bleached their hair,   
And turned into bears   
Because of some renegade faction.

Even Dumbelladorn was quite muzzled after his 56th goblet of fermented grape juice. McGoneagirl had turned a lighter shade of pale. "Oh dog. What does it think it's doing?" she whispered to no one in particular. Snake, however, was quite pleased.

The people from Burmastring,   
Beauty is not their thing.   
They make 'em ugly there,   
Without an ounce of flair,   
I'd rather have a bee-sting.

"What the shell is wrong with that Shouting Flat?" Hairy tasked Serious.   
"I have no eyed deer. However, Snake probably did something to it." Was Serious' reply.   
The Flat obviously hadn't finished, and it started leaping from gable to gable, taking the tool with it.

This Logshorts, however,   
Has lost this, almost never.   
The best to this day,   
They make gold out of hay,   
People who go here are so clever!

The Flat paused again to take another breath, if it was possible, and started a running commentary of what was happening in the Grate Wall.

"And McGoneagirl has attacked Snake, Dumbelladorn's in front, making nice work of the Flat case-hey! Get your dirty pits off my case! And Hairy Potamus is racing down the strait after Draino Malfunction, Draino Malfunction is in the lead! Dumbelladorn's back up and racing, he's after Serious Black. Black, Dumbelladorn, Potamus, Malfunction, Grudger and Weasel bringing up the rear. Whoa! McGoneagirl's jumped the fence, she's getting away from Snake. Snake, Snake, attacking from the left flank, closing in on Potamus, Weasels all around him. Fried and Gutted doing a nice triple somersault with half pike and twist of lemon, getting closer to Snake. There's a new contender in the race, Fiddle! And up he comes, breaking through the ranks, getting closer to Potamus, oh, and Panty Farceinson leaps in front of Fiddle, causing a massive uproar through the spectators. Now Panty's on top of Fiddle, pinning his arms and legs to the ground with safety pins. Potamus and Wronky are in the lead, and Dumbelladorn's closing in on Malfunction-what's Lucridous doing here?"

The Flat stopped, and everyone in the room turned to face Lucridous Malfunction, who had just flown in from the Malfunction Mansion.   
"Uh, hi guys…just wanted to say hi to my favourite son…uh…bye!" Lucridous jumped back on his roomflick and flew out the window. Draino stared after him in amazement. "Since when was I his favourite son?" Draino asked no one in particular. Hairy got up from the shemozzle on the ground and answered. "He's only got one son."   
Draino slumped, and went back to his gable.

Panty, meanwhile, was wrestling with an unwilling Bombed Fiddle.   
"Say still you unworthy piece of mitt!" She said, while trying to tie his arms and legs together.   
"Geroff me you wrench!" Bombed elbowed her in the stomach   
"Oof. I don't know why I'm doing this! I should've slayed at home!" she put one knee on his neck.   
"Well then get off me!" he pulled out her hair with his foot.   
"No! I want you to stay here and kill that stupid nit Hairy Potamus!" Panty got off him, but still held the rope attached to his neck.   
"Fine then, I will!" Bombed spun around, undid the rope and stood there, wiping the blood from his nose.   
"That's better then." Panty went back to the Zitherpin table and poured herself a glass of year-old bumpkin juice.   
Bombed Marshmallow Fiddle zapped away to a nice, cold, damp, dark corner to while away the time until the day he would kill Hairy Potamus and bring darkness to the world.   


After order was restored to the room, and Dumbelladorn had performed a sobering spell on himself and the Flat, the Flat was put back onto its tree-pegged tool and told to behave. The flat sighed, and started talking like a normal hat would talk.

"The contestants for the Flywizards Torment are Flour Yellacore, Picture Mum, and Cedar Didgeridoo." It waited for the whispers to die down before talking again. "But wait-there's more! Hairy Potamus, Draino Malfunction and Never Wronggrottum are in the male junior section, while Harmonioius Grudger, Partvarti Painted and Panty Farceinson are in the female junior section!" the Flat sighed, and went to sleep.

Confessor Crackacough stood up. "This is outrageous. I vithdraw from the competition." He beckoned for the Burmastring students to get back on their boat and sail home. Then he stalked out, steam billowing out from his ears. Picture Mum waved goodbye to Harmonious, then followed the rest of the Burmastring people out to their boat. Not more than five minutes later, Hairy heard the boat lifting out of the hake and flying off into the foggy night. Not more than five minutes after that, they heard a huge gnash and explosion. About ten minutes after that, nearly the entire Burmastring group came walking back in, heads bowed, looking very wet indeed. Crackacough shrugged. "Vot can I say? The ship crashed." He resumed his seat and proceeded to look unhappy.

Picture Mum on the other hand, was quite glad to be back, and gave Harmonious another smile. She got up and went over to him, asking him what exactly had happened. His answer was "I mis-steer ship. Ship go kaboom. Ve come back."

"Oh my dog! I got in!" Partvarti screamed to Leavenedhair.   
"Sure, sure." Leavenedhair replied.   
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Leavenedhair." Partvarti gushed.   
"Doesn't matter." Leavenedhair mumbled. "I don't know how Harmonious got in though. Look at her boofy hair and her buck teeth."   
Partvarti paused. "You know, I don't think she has buck teeth anymore. Oh well." She shrugged, and looked at her plate piled with deserts. "I'll have to cut back on all this stuff. Here, help me, will you?" she scraped half the deserts onto Leavenedhair's plate. "Thanks." She said through a youthful of Le man you rang fly. (Lemon meringue pie)

Harmonious however, was attacking her pie with as much vigour as Wronky usually did. Wronky, on the other hand, was pushing a piece of pudding around his plate.   
"What the matter, Wronky?" Harmonious laid a hand on his arm.   
"Nothing." Wronky muttered, turning bright red.   
"No, really. What's the matter?" Harmonious tried again.   
"You and Hairy got in. I didn't." Wronky said, embarrassed.   
"But you know I don't really want to parade around showing off clothing. Neither does Hairy." Harmonious said softly, looking for confirmation from Hairy. He nodded.   
"I really couldn't be bothered about it. It's just a load of flap, anyway. The Flywizards Torment?" Hairy laughed.   
Harmonious thought about the name of the competition for a moment. "But you know, fly wizards. Torment. Torture for cute witches and wizards. Is it possible that this is one of Pick-a-choo's inventions?"   
Hairy narrowed his eyes for a moment. "Look, I don't really think I'm supposed to tell you this; so you didn't hear it from me, right?" The other two nodded. Hairy beaned closer to them. "Okay. Snake altered the rule book. It was supposed to be the Flylizards Torment, with all the killing and stuff. Instead, Snake changed it into a beauty pageant, and lowered the page limit."   
Wronky and Harmonious looked at each other, dumbstruck. Then they continued on with the deserts, eager as ever.

"I'll see you later." A big black hairy dog came up to Hairy and nosed his leg.   
"Bye, Serious." Hairy said quietly. The dog loped off to his little house up on Logsweed hill.   
Soon after, everyone was told to clear off back to their common brooms, and go to bleep.   
Everyone did exactly that, they had had enough exitment for one day.

*~~~*

"Now…let me see…Eye of newt…tail of salamander…that's all." Snake said as he shrew the stuff into a doldrum. "Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock-No! Baa, baa, black sheep, have you any wool?-No, no, no! Ah. Here it is." Snake flicked through the pages of Leaste Expediente Portions. "Shovel hovel, foil and grovel, fill it up and get the novel. That's much better." Snake said as the portion turned a mustardy colour and simmered quietly. "Now all I have to do is feed it to that witch." He shackled again.

Later that day, Snake slipped the portion into McGoneagirl's soup, while she wasn't booking.   
"Mynervous," Snake said, lapping her on the boulder, "try some of the country-style bumpkin soup. It's wonderful."   
McGoneagirl smiled at him. "Yes. I've already tasted it. It is good." She dipped her spoon into the bowl next to the one Snake had put the portion into, and continued slurping it.   
Snake examined the bowl he had put the portion into. It turned out to be the community cauldron, from which all the soup came forth. "Oh flap!" he muttered, then hoped no one had seen him put the portion into it.

"If we have bumpkin soup one more time, I'm going to cream." Harmonious said as she lifted the lid on the pot. She grimaced. "It is bumpkin soup. Ugh."   
"Oh no. Not the attach of the bumpkin soup monsters again." Wronky said behind her. "Count me out this time." He moved on to the roast and took a huge slice.   
"Why can't they have anything but bumpkin soup? Even that weird stuff we had at the start of the ear was much better." Hairy complained.   
"Regrettably I have to agree with you. This is one of the few things that are worse than my father's 'home brew'. Just shocking." Draino said as he dropped the lid back onto the soup pot. He walked off back to the Zitherpin gable and greedily attacked the roast with a carving knife and over-sized fork.   
"I'll have to talk to Doddy and Tinky about this." Harmonious said grimly as she helped herself to some potatoes. Everyone else, however, couldn't really care less and they all drank some of the soup.

Snake had lost his appetite for dinner, and just sat there looking glum.   
"Aren't you hungry?" McGoneagirl asked.   
"Oh, no. I ate before." Snake said, trying to be cheerful.   
"Well then, could I have the potatoes? For some reason I'm awfully hungry tonight." She scooped the potatoes off his plate before he could answer. "Thank you." McGoneagirl scarfed them down, and then wiped her mouth. "I'll be off now, I have work to do before I go to bed." She got up and walked out in the direction of her rooms.   
Snake quickly excused himself too, and hurried off to the dungeons to find a reversing portion.

"Now, what have I got here? The portion was for making people temporarily forget everything once the secret password was said, and another password to get them back to normal. Ah. This is the section." Snake flicked through Leaste Expediente Portions to the chapter titled Shoddye Portions and Howe to Fixe Theme. He looked at the page for memory altering portions, and then whacked his head on the (stone) wall. "How" bang "could" bang "I" bang "have" bang "been" bang "so" bang "stupid!" Snake stopped the self-torture. "To reverse a portion simply make a new portion, putting everything in backwards, then say the words backwards!"   
Snake got out a semi-clean doldrum, and started to heat it up.   
"Let's see…tail of salamander…eye of newt…powdered cicada legs…fluff from behind the couch…beaten egg Quik-mix 10 minute E-Z portion mix…onions…garlic…oil. Now, backwards, hmm? Right. Levon eht teg dna pu ti llif, levorg dna liof, levoh levohs. All done!" Snake rubbed his hands together as the potion simmered and bubbled and turned a nasty shade of green.   
"Well." He said as he stroked his goatee, "I'll have to get the mouse-shelves to make green pea soup tomorrow." Snake scooped up the portion into a little foil container, and then went down to his room in the dungeon's dungeon.

"So frickin' cold down here." His teeth chattered as he lit the fire and got undressed. "Wish I could have gotten a Magna-heat in here." He got out his bulk-buy no brand heavy duty elbow grease, and proceeded to work a softball sized glob of it through his already greased hair. "At least something keeps the cold out here." He muttered to his mirror.   
"If you moved out of here it wouldn't be so cold, Snakie dear." The mirror said.   
"Don't call me that. Not Snakie, and never Snakie dear." He gritted between icy teeth. "Damn. I forgot to use my Sensodyne again." Snake swore profusely and in three different languages before climbing into bed, killing the lights and going to sleep.   
  


A/N: You will review [does little Jedi mind trick hand thingy]

Disclaimer: Characters sort of belong to J.K. Rowling (J.K. Growling). Line "Don't call me that. Not Snakie, and never Snakie dear" comes from GoldenEye by John Gardiner (James Bond) the real one is "Don't call me that. Not Jim and never Jimbo".   


Bye bye!   
Review time...Review time...Review time...Review time...Must review...Must review...BOOM! (sound of fanfiction.net exploding in a ball of flames)   



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